The Entomological Society of America has announced a Limerick Contest for the Annual Meeting!
Prizes will be awarded for the top three most creative limericks, as judged by an anonymous panel of entomological punsters. The limerick topic can be anything about arthropods, the Annual Meeting, ESA’s officers or other well-known entomologists, just keep it clean!
I predict some very entertaining limericks will be submitted. (And why does this sound like something Tom Turpin dreamed up?)
Alas, the ESA’s admonition to “keep it clean” seems to run directly contradictory to what a limerick is all about. Nearly all descriptions seem to contain the word “bawdy.” They are described thusly: “The true limerick is always obscene” and “From a folkloric point of view, the form is essentially transgressive; violation of taboo is part of its function.”
I pointed this out on Twitter and a few other social media spots, and was instantly deluged with requests to have an UnClean Entomology Limerick Contest. So here you go.
My deadline will be October 1, 2011. Submit your entries in the comments on this post!
RULES:
- Limericks should be naughty and transgressive, but not gross or squick-inducing.
- All taboo violation must be consensual.
- The basic Limerick form is couplet/triplet, or AABBA (where A and B represent rhyming words, not Swedish pop bands).
- The Limerick must have an arthropod theme of some sort.
- Aedeagus and smegma don’t rhyme. Let’s not even go there.
- Bribes are encouraged and accepted via PayPal.
I’ll get you started with this classic:
A flea and a fly in a flue
Were caught, so what could they do?
Said the fly, “Let us flee.”
“Let us fly,” said the flea.
So they flew through a flaw in the flue.
Let the Games Begin!
September 8, 2011 at 6:04 pm
Praying mantises thus copulate
While a snuff movie they assiduously emulate
the male from behind
begins with a grind
While the female doth him decapitate
September 8, 2011 at 6:26 pm
OK, another:
An extreme S&M thug
Is the male of the species the bed-bug
He’s truly a prick
With an injurious dick
Shagging his mate on the rug
September 9, 2011 at 7:28 am
A sailor was playing at dice
and won him a mermaid, how nice.
But her privates were crawling.
“You’ve got crabs, how appalling!”
She assured him, “Not crabs, sir. They’re lice.”
September 9, 2011 at 9:04 am
There once was an aphid from Texas,
Who didn’t not know what sex is.
She thought her ovipositors
were mandibular appendages
and instead of coming she went
September 9, 2011 at 10:03 am
A Venus fly trap couldn’t catch a fly.
It pondered and wondered why.
Then one day it could tell,
if it emitted a certain smell,
it’d resisted by no Musca domestica guy.
September 9, 2011 at 10:21 am
A young lad in a whorehouse quite drunk
Caught a case of the crabs, who’da thunk
“My kingdom! And Rubies!
For a curse on Phthirus pubis!”
He screamed, while scratching his junk.
September 9, 2011 at 10:49 am
At a halloween party themed dirty
The Bee said to The Flower all flirty
With consent, I’ll disrobe ya
For nectar, I’ll probe ya
You’ll like it – it won’t at all hurty.
Why, sir! said The Flower, taken aback
I’ve had quite my share in the sack
Been with proboscises
That made me go, ‘Oh noesises!’
So it’s no go till I see what you pack.
September 9, 2011 at 2:35 pm
I’ll say this about the membracid
Their horns are never flaccid
Made from augmented wings
they’re wondrous things
One look and the ladies ain’t lucid.
I’m actually from the place in Ireland called ‘Limerick’ so this awkward rhyme proves that you can’t inherit talent from where you grew up.
September 9, 2011 at 6:40 pm
So I’m already breaking the rules but nonetheless shall enter a malacological limerick.
Banana Bob was a slug without malice
who fell deeply for slimey young Alice.
Though all foot, and no arms,
he was not without charms.
Won her with his dolichophallus.
September 9, 2011 at 8:44 pm
There once was a honey bee drone,
Who refused to make the queen moan.
“If I just get one shot,
She’d better be hot,”
He said as he did it alone.
September 9, 2011 at 10:22 pm
These are awesome, everyone!
September 9, 2011 at 10:30 pm
Seriously, what’s the point of a clean limerick?
September 9, 2011 at 11:18 pm
There once was a girl who loved bugs,
And thought those who hurt them were thugs.
But the lice didn’t care,
And infected her hair,
Now no one will give her some hugs.
sorry for the general lameness of this, but it’s all I got.
September 9, 2011 at 11:27 pm
The mayfly is singin’ no blue-blues.
He knows Nature’s makin’ no boo-boos.
His doubled-up penes
Are not extra weenies:
The love of his life has two hoo-hoos.
The queen bee grows fat on royal jelly
So she can grow eggs in her belly.
Her suitors she’ll goad
Till their testes explode.
What else could she do, without telly?
The red velvet mite is the warden
Of sperm that he sprays on his garden.
A lovelorn female
Tracks his long silky trail
And will sit on his sticks, if you pardon.
Drosophila, species bifurca
Can take a long distance to jerka.
His sperm runs two inches.
(Dear lord, how that pinches!)
To unzip, this fly goes berserka!
Non-limerick extra: My love bug song “The Nearctica Waltz” at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n7m03Cb2hRw
Thanks for the contest!
September 12, 2011 at 10:20 pm
Nearly gravid the culex would probe
for the finest meal under my robe
Her proboscis would poke
So collossus the joke
Twas the best night I’ve had on the globe
September 12, 2011 at 10:57 pm
The Mosquitoes Buzz Translated
If I told you my babies depended
on your corpuscles could they be lended?
I would take but a little
try my best not to spittle
Neuroinvasive disease not intended
September 12, 2011 at 10:58 pm
gah! I meant
*Mosquito’s
September 13, 2011 at 8:14 am
The Bed Bug’s short life is no fun,
Sipping blood without seeing the sun.
When faced with the chore
Of making some more:
Traumatic insemination
September 13, 2011 at 8:36 am
There was a white fly from Dahjeling
green leaves in abundance she was feeling
she spotted her mate
who grumbled you’re late
then jumped her and sent her reeling.
September 13, 2011 at 10:20 am
Ahh grasshopper said the fly
those holes are so big my oh my
You’ve had your fill
and eventually you will
cause the plant to fall over and die!
September 13, 2011 at 1:45 pm
A flesh fly has been feeling,
Like her innards have been pealing.
The problem you see,
Was vivipary,
“It’s a girl!” she said, exploding.
September 13, 2011 at 7:54 pm
A bedbug was up in a tizz
With a lady in which he might jizz
But before they could start
She cut out his heart
With a member much bigger than his
September 14, 2011 at 3:29 pm
Our resident latrodectus
Though venomous, haven’t yet pecked us.
But many a widow
Has made many a kiddo,
And the progeny just about wrecked us.
(Bonus reading.)
September 15, 2011 at 11:16 am
There once was a bug full of stink
Wanting to poke a girl with his dink
She put up her shield
So the male did yield
And off through the leaves he slinked
September 15, 2011 at 3:01 pm
I tried to make a naughty limerick but it came out like this. Sigh.
Arthroda’s a group full of taste, yeah?
It includes the subphylum Crustacea
With lobsters and crabs,
Dandy shrimp up for grabs.
Eat em raw if that’s where it takes ya.
September 15, 2011 at 3:16 pm
There once was a fellow named Paul
Whose wang was exceeding small.
He buggered a bug
On the edge of the rug
And the bug didn’t know it at all.
September 15, 2011 at 3:23 pm
A male pillbug abandoned the land,
To find relief for his masculine gland.
He ventured into the sea.
Made sweet love with a Mysidae.
But external fertilization is bland.
September 15, 2011 at 4:12 pm
There once lived a spider named Pamela
Who was nice for a largish tarantula
But when she got scared
She turned and prepared
And hit me dead on with her fecula
September 15, 2011 at 4:14 pm
A fruit fly froze in horror
At the name Saphophora.
“Taxonmist pricks,
It’ll never stick!
‘Drosophila’ forevermore!”
September 15, 2011 at 7:56 pm
*TaxonOmist
September 15, 2011 at 9:56 pm
A tick met a mite in Nantucket
She said if you bite it, I’ll suck it
But the human had DEET
From his head to his feet
Bugs need food too, WTF it!
Am I the only non-entomologist contributor? Am I being really stupid? I’m OK with that…..
September 15, 2011 at 10:36 pm
Laika, I’m not an entomologist, either — just a fan!
September 16, 2011 at 5:31 am
Entomology isn’t in a fancy diploma…it’s in your heart!
At least that’s what I tell myself as I plod lazily through community college.
September 16, 2011 at 6:38 am
Laika–everyone is welcome!
And well done–
Bonus points for using Nantucket
September 16, 2011 at 11:03 am
As the stink bug took a big leak
The inch worm said, “hey man, you reek!”
Oh, I wouldn’t be so smug
Said the odiferous bug.
At your angry inch, I did peek!
September 17, 2011 at 9:04 pm
There once was a boy named Hakeem
Who pleasured himself with whipped cream
Till a trail of ants
Marched out of his pants
Terminix was called with a scream!
September 18, 2011 at 12:08 am
It is true when they say the bed bug
has the sexual grace of a thug
by thrusting with might
right through a sternite
and leaving no seminal plug
September 18, 2011 at 10:48 pm
A gypsy moth knew she’d been cursed:
“Being gynandromorphic’s the worst!
Though my pheromone trails
Lure all the best males,
My left side always hits me up first!”
September 20, 2011 at 6:53 am
Love it! Bonus points for using “gynandromorph”
September 20, 2011 at 11:37 am
I have a healthier penchant at writing text
Than expertise about your buggy insects
Scoffed the doodlebug in a way so rude
“Mr Ant, downhere you are screwed!”
That’s the closest this poem gets to sex!
What makes this comment really fun for me is that I am inspired by your blogging. Not that I am going to become and ento-ma-whatever, but that you have made looking at the insect world a little more entertaining with your writing style. I mean, com’on! If you can laugh reading a post about lecherous lice vs. South American defoliation habits, you have to blame the writer!
September 20, 2011 at 11:40 am
*I am good with words, not typing (and=an)
September 24, 2011 at 8:24 am
A polite fly flew home from school.
It took the long way home, being a fool.
Tired and looking to sit,
it spotted some occupied dog shit
And said “Pardon me, may I borrow this stool?”.
September 24, 2011 at 4:00 pm
A flea and a fly in a flue…
“…now ‘ang about, ‘old it you two !
I’ve seen you before,
‘ere’s me fist, there’s the door,
now get out of it ! bugger off, shoo !”
September 24, 2011 at 4:05 pm
I think any decent young fellar
would see the position, and tell her
that to wed a crustacean
is frought with frustration -
you wouldn’t undress her, you’d shell her.
September 25, 2011 at 9:08 am
In the Duc D’Etraigne’s house there’s frustration
‘cos he loves to screw crabs with elation,
and the servants, you see,
they’re forbidden to pee -
at least while D’Etraigne’s in the ‘stacean…
October 2, 2011 at 11:02 am
An ant of the old genus Ponera
Had a date at the island of Gomera.
Cos the island is great(*),
It was a bit late,
So it did it herself with her femora.
(*) For an ant.
October 4, 2011 at 12:03 am
[...] and BugGirl encouraged her readers to entertain us all with some lewd limericks! [...]