Winner–2011 Ribald Tales of Entomology

At last! It’s time to reveal our winner!
This was a late entry, but it rocketed to the top of the list by popular acclaim. It’s so rude it even took ME back a bit.  Enjoy!

There once was a pine tip moth from Nantucket 
whose aedeagus was so long he could suck it
He said with a yalp
as he wiped off his palp
“If my tympanum was a gonopore I could fuck it”

Congrats to Tim, our winner of the Ribald Festivities! I owe you a beer

For those of you that don’t recognize the jargon, “aedeagus” is the fancy name for a bug penis, and “gonopore” is…well, a pore where your gonads go.  Loosely defined (very loosely!)

Huzzah!

Ribald Tales of Entomology Limerick Contest: 1st Runner up

It’s time for another reveal of a naughty winner in the contest! I’m at the Entomological Society of America Meetings right now, so it’s time to wind things up.

As you may remember, the ESA is sponsoring a “clean” limerick contest. I take the position that the only good limerick is a bawdy limerick. That’s just how I roll.

Our first runner up will have to assume the duties of the winner, should he or she be unable to complete their term as Miss/Mr. Ribald Tales of Entomology.  What are those duties? Um. Probably best discussed offline, really.

Our 1st runner up is Elissa Malcohn, for a series of awesome limericks that were so good, I couldn’t just pick one.  Elissa is a bit of a ringer, as a professional writer, and you can tell!

The mayfly is singin’ no blue-blues.
He knows Nature’s makin’ no boo-boos.
His doubled-up penes
Are not extra weenies:
The love of his life has two hoo-hoos.

The queen bee grows fat on royal jelly
So she can grow eggs in her belly.
Her suitors she’ll goad
Till their testes explode.
What else could she do, without telly?

The red velvet mite is the warden
Of sperm that he sprays on his garden.
A lovelorn female
Tracks his long silky trail
And will sit on his sticks, if you pardon.

Drosophila, species bifurca
Can take a long distance to jerka.
His sperm runs two inches.
(Dear lord, how that pinches!)
To unzip, this fly goes berserka!

Hoist a tankard to our winner!  And look for the Grand Prize Winner tomorrow!

Ribald Tales of Entomology Limerick Contest: Honorable Mention #4

Our winner today is an Honorable Mention for Best Traditional Format Limerick.
And by traditional, I mean they used the word “Nantucket.”  Nantucket has been an integral part of dirty limericks since shortly after Europeans figured out there was a continent over here.
Our winner:

A tick met a mite in Nantucket
She said if you bite it, I’ll suck it
But the human had DEET
From his head to his feet
Bugs need food too, WTF it!

Hoist a tankard to Laika, our fourth winner!

I’ll keep counting these down right up until the Entomological Society of America Meeting.  (The ESA is sponsoring a “clean” limerick contest; I take the position that the only good limerick is a bawdy limerick. I’m just naughty and transgressive like that.)

Ribald Tales of Entomology Limerick Contest: Honorable Mention #3

It’s time for another reveal of a winner in the contest! I’ll keep counting them down right up until the Entomological Society of America Meeting.

As you may remember, the ESA is sponsoring a “clean” limerick contest. I take the position that the only good limerick is a bawdy limerick. That’s just how I roll.

Our naughty winner today is:  Best Mention of a Membracid in a Sexually Suggestive Limerick.
And even better, he says he is actually from Limerick, Ireland!

I’ll say this about the membracid
Their horns are never flaccid
Made from augmented wings
they’re wondrous things
One look and the ladies ain’t placid.

Hoist a tankard to our third winner!

I’ll email you an official certificate later this month.

Ribald Tales of Entomology Limerick Contest: Honorable Mention #2

It’s time for another reveal of a naughty winner in the contest! I’ll keep counting them down right up until the Entomological Society of America Meeting.

As you may remember, the ESA is sponsoring a “clean” limerick contest. I take the position that the only good limerick is a bawdy limerick. That’s just how I roll.

The limerick packs laughs anatomical

Into space that is quite economical

But the good ones I’ve seen

So seldom are clean

And the clean ones so seldom are comical.

(Thanks to Pieter B. for that one!)
This week’s winner follows a long distinguished tradition of insulting sexual poems and remarks.  The “Yo Momma” insult, for example, was even used by the venerable Bard of Avon. Shakespeare’s “Yo Momma” was regrettably not in limerick form:

Act IV, Scene II of Titus Andronicus

Demetrius: “Villain, what hast thou done?”
Aaron: “That which thou canst not undo.”
Chiron: “Thou hast undone our mother.”
Aaron: “Villain, I have done thy mother.”

“That’s what she said” is also a long established variation on the insult poem, although I haven’t found any evidence of that in Shakespeare. Yet.

Without further ado:

Honorable Mention: Best Genital Insult

Ned B.

There once was a fellow named Paul
Whose wang was exceeding small.
He buggered a bug
On the edge of the rug
And the bug didn’t know it at all.

Hoist a tankard to our second winner!

I’ll email you an official certificate later this month.

Ribald Tales of Entomology Limerick Contest: Honorable Mention #1

At last! The first of our winners!

This malacological limerick didn’t follow the “should be an arthropod” rule, but hey, this contest is all about being naughty and transgressive. So screw the rules!

Honorable Mention: Best Non-Arthropod Limerick

Robin Rosetta

Banana Bob was a slug without malice
who fell deeply for slimey young Alice.
Though all foot, and no arms,
he was not without charms.
Won her with his dolichophallus.

I just couldn’t resist the use of the technical term “dolichophallus”.  That translates to “long penis.”

It is also the species name of the Slender Banana Slug (Ariolimax dolichophallus), and you can read more about their rather rough trade sex life here.  That page will explain:

a. You can make a slug have an erection with a sluggy version of viagra
b. If a slug’s penis is chewed off, it doesn’t grow back.  This is important to know, especially for the slug.

So hoist a tankard to our first winner!

I’ll email you an official certificate later this month, Ms. Rosetta.