Not The Raven

Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered weak and weary,
Over many a quaint and curious volume of entomological lore,
While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping–
Something crap, crap, crapping in my bedroom wall.
‘Tis the wind ,’ I muttered, Only this, and nothing more.’

Deep into the darkness peering, long I laid there wondering, fearing,
Doubting, dreaming damage I never dared to dream before.
But the silence was unbroken, and the darkness gave no token
And the only word there spoken was the whispered word, `Squirrel!’
Merely this and nothing more.

Back into my bedclothes turning, all my soul within me burning,
Soon again I heard a scratching somewhat louder than before.
Let my heart be still a moment and this mystery explore; –
‘Tis the wind and nothing more!’

Off I flung the covers, when, with many a fart and flutter,
I smelled a stately squirrel of the saintly days of yore.
Not the least obeisance made he; not a minute stopped or stayed he;
But, with mien of lord or lady, scratched above my bedroom door –
Perched, and shat, and nothing more.

And the squirrel, never flitting, still is shitting, still is shitting
In the gap within the wall above my bedroom door;
And his toenails have all the seeming of a demon’s that is dreaming,
And my sleep beneath that shadow that lies scratching in the wall
Shall be uninterrupted – nevermore!

Posted by Gwen Pearson

Writer. Nerd. Insect Evangelist. Have you heard the good news? BUGS!


  1. This is wonderful and I think Poe would be OK with it. Linked to this from my FB.

  2. More people should say “shat.” But, nevermore.

  3. Loved it. I’ve long been a fan of Poe’s. My grandfather used to resite the Raven to me as a child. I agree that Poe would most likely be honored by this rendition of his famous poem. :o)

  4. Ha! I had to remove squirrels from our attic last fall. Seven of them. The poetry I muttered was somewhat less literary, however.

  5. Why is it squirrels like to feed at 3 am? Or at least red squirrels do – BugGirl and myrmecos probably have grey squirrel problems. Gotta hand it to BugGirl though, I just curse with no poetry whatsoever.

    I can also claim the removal of 7 squirrels from my attic – although I had to trap them one at a time. Also dug 1015 spruce cones out of the insulation. Only obsessively counted them the first time (counting is what acarologists who try to do ecology spend most of their time doing) after that I just filled up the bushel baskets over and over again. Nothing like having your attic filled with resinous combustibles by parasite-challenged electric wire chewing red freaks. Only one species of mite on them, but at least it was a new provincial record.

    Red squirrels are territorial, but they are also thieves – constantly stealing from each others stashes. So, a day to a week or a month after you trap one, you get another grubbing out the cones you missed and lugging in a new mountain. If you wire off their access, they either tug until the screening comes off (while I fill my gutters up with badly thrown rocks), or chew right through the roof. We’ve given up trapping and decided to invest in a new roof and iron grills on the vents.

  6. I cursed at my (grey) squirrels in four different languages to chase them out of the attic, and then spent a dretfully long time mangling chicken wire into a wad to block their entrance.

    So far, so good. Blasted beasties.

  7. What a smile this brought to my face! I think Poe would be equally amused. It’s National Poetry month and I’m pleased to have stumbled upon your blog during this time.

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